What if we resolved to listen with the intent of finding something positive? Wouldn’t that be “Listening Up?” A reflection on National Infertility Awareness Week from a former patient, that wishes to remain anonymous.

Like many people I’ve heard from, when I first saw the NIAW 2017 theme, “Listen Up”, the first thing I pictured was an angry woman, grabbing a stranger by the lapels in a grocery store and yanking her to within a few inches of her face, snarling “LISTEN UP! If there’s one thing that keeps me from relaxing, it’s strangers telling me to ‘just relax’.”

So I pondered what perspective I could offer on the topic to contribute something meaningful to the conversation. As I ruminated on it in that semi-lucid state just before drifting off to sleep, I was doing a sort of free word association that went something like this…”Listen up…Listen UP… Listen Down… Talk Down…Talking Down… And it jumped out at me. How often do we feel like we are being talked down to by people that “just don’t get it” when it comes to infertility? If the blog posts and Pinterest quotes and Facebook comments are an indication, it’s pretty much non-stop.

That got me thinking about why people seem to constantly be offering suggestions, advice, tips and opinions on how to “fix” our infertility. The conclusion that I came to is that in most cases, they are genuinely trying to be helpful. They are trying to help ease our pain and don’t know what else to do or what else to offer us. Most of them haven’t dealt with infertility, and what they see is a drowning woman screaming “help me!” as her head is just about to disappear under the water. Their reaction is to throw us the nearest branch, rope, piece of clothing, or in many cases, piece of wrought iron yard furniture in response to our desperate cries. They throw out the only life preservers they have at hand – tidbits like “You can always adopt” and “Dr. Oz says that Bergamot oil can help free your Qi” and “It will happen in God’s time.” The last thing most people think to offer a drowning friend or family member is a listening ear. They want to fix the problem. It’s our instinct to rescue the ones we love.
Which brings me to the way that we react to people that dare to offer suggestions, advice and anecdotes. A roll of the eyes, a snarky response – spoken or just thought, a cryptic tweet about “clueless people.” If I’m being condescending in my reaction to people that I consider “ignorant,” couldn’t we call that “listening down” – like talking down but from the other side?

What if we resolved to listen with the intent of finding something positive? Wouldn’t that be “Listening UP”?

So to help reinforce my point and make it more cohesive, I have used the word “UP” as an acronym for phrases or words that relate to the theme of Listening UP: I’m sure that these aren’t the best ones ever conceived (poor word choice?) but here are a few:

Listen Using Positivity – Try assuming the best of people (internet trolls being the exception). The majority really are trying to help, even if they don’t really understand how to do that. A suggestion to try yoga or ear candling or gargling essential oils is very rarely a personal attack. So cut someone a little slack today.
Listen to Uplift People – Belittling someone because of a perceived trespass rarely makes the belittler feel better. In fact, it only spreads and multiplies the pain, as both parties are now hurt and a gap is opened that may never be fully repaired. What if instead of crossing our arms, tapping our foot and biting our lip, we expressed appreciation for their desire to help us have a family?

Listen, Understanding Pain – By nature, we all perceive our own pain to be worse than that of other people. In the infertility community, we sometimes feel like we hold the undisputed record for pain and disappointment. Sometimes, we even claim rights to the never-helpful qualifier “At least…” as in “Your marriage may be failing, but AT LEAST you’re not dealing with infertility…” How many times have we condemned others for using this phrase? Everyone experiences pain, and everyone’s pain hurts. But having gone through intense pain and hardship, we should have deeper empathy for the pain and struggles of others – even if we don’t completely understand their trials. We have experienced disappointment, sorrow, dashed hopes, sadness, despair and hopelessness, which should make us that much more understanding of the pain of others. Attempting to trump or minimize someone else’s pain only leads to hurt feelings and broken relationships with those whose support and friendship we need the most. By being a shoulder to cry on before we ask for the same, we gain empathy and understanding and build bridges. And it’s a fact that selfless service is the best way to get outside of our own pain. We are asking others for empathy and respect, so let’s try offering it to them first.

Consider for a minute whether your motives have ever been misinterpreted by someone you care about. Have you ever spoken any of these phrases? “You are overreacting…” “That’s not what I meant…” “You’re reading too much into this…”

If so, then you know what it’s like to be the offender.

There is no denying that it’s tough to swallow all of the ignorant, hurtful, naïve, and sometimes downright nasty comments that seem to bombard us. But do we really want to be distanced from our friends and loved ones as we are going through incredibly trying times? Let’s not perpetuate the idea of an exclusive club that only the most qualified infertiles can join.
Yes, there will always be people that pull away when they find out you are struggling with infertility. But more often than not, an open conversation with the people you love can have an amazing, cathartic effect and bring them into your circle rather than racking up offenses that build the walls higher and stronger.
Now it’s your turn.

What would you add to the Listen UP acronym list?

We received this from one of our patients that wishes to remain anonymous, but felt she had to share her reaction(s) to the National Infertility Awareness Week Theme – #ListenUp